Most of all, you've got to hide it from the kids

I'd been complaining that the election porn showing up in our mailbox wasn't hard-core enough. But yesterday the mailman left us an instant NC-17 classic. This one is Portland's Deep Throat.

There in the gallery of bad-government bobbleheads are quite a few people you would expect to find. Carmen Rubio, the second most worthless person on the City Council; Michael Dembrow and Tawna Sanchez, both of whom have been paid to represent me at the State Legislature clown show; Mary Nolan, formerly of that Salem commute and currently diverting tax dollars to the apartment weasels from her latest perch on the hideous Metro council; and a gaggle of miscellaneous state, county, and Metro hacks whose names I couldn't tell you. Inside, there's Earl the Pearl, glued to his gig in Congress while the Mrs. furiously plays the stock market.

But OMG, there on the cover is Jeff Merkley. And Lew Frederick. Come on, dudes, if you don't have something smart to say, just sit down and be quiet. You should know better.

It's a four-page flyer, full of J.A. with the Bullhorn's fake accomplishments on crime, homelessness, transportation, climate, and economic development. Nearly every bullet point is misleading at best, and on the whole, thoroughly detached from reality. Who are you going to believe, her or your lying eyes?

But the climax – one of the biggest howlers in Portland election porn history, possibly second only to "Who Killed Packy?" – comes on page 2. The ultimate show-stopper!

Folks, you know obscenity when you see it. If you notice this mailer lying around, put it out of the sight of the children. Up until I saw it, I was getting mildly optimistic that Portland might be beginning to pull itself up out of the gutter it's fallen into. Now I'm not sure at all that that will happen.

Twenty-four of these headshots, all told. God help us. If you haven't already crossed them off, never vote for any of them, for anything, ever again.

And above all, please do the opposite of what they're urging you to do. Do not return their hopeless, clueless friend to elective office.