Biden event moved to Sextant

President Joe Biden will be in town on Thursday, and so expect traffic to be even more screwed up than usual. He's going to give a speech on infrastructure, and then he's going to do a fundraiser with some progressive money types.

The fundraiser has been moved to a so-far secret location, but we've learned from an informed source that it will be held at an establishment on Northeast Marine Drive. They've already posted signs at the Sextant Bar and Galley that Pool Table No. 2 is reserved from 4:30 to 5:30 Thursday afternoon, and men in suits with walkie-talkies were seen earlier today inspecting the deep fryers for possible explosive devices.

When a reporter asked one of the bartenders if there was any truth to the reports of the President's impending visit, she responded cautiously. "We're not supposed to say anything," said Tiffany Niedermeyer. "But I will say, we're telling our customers with outstanding warrants to stay home until Friday. Also, we had to have an electrician fix the exhaust fan in the men's room."