My stepmom begs me for... an appraisal?

Here's a crazy story that could be the beginning of a whole new chapter of Portlandian hijinks. A hardcore porn star and her husband, who's described as a "content provider," just bought an outlandish castle over by Forest Park, and they're planning to use it as a set for "mature" movies and videos.

You would expect the comic headlines to just roll off the presses, but not in this town. The milquetoasts at the O find that the most interesting aspect of the story is, They got it for way less than the previous owners had put into it. Wow, that level of dullness is a real achievement.

Now, when other films and TV shows have been shot in Portland, there have been calls for extras. You can bet all sorts of locals will be watching for those opportunities now. I'm thinking maybe they could use me up there. I'd be perfect. I could play the husband who's leaving to go to work.

Plus, every pizza delivery guy in town is now thinking, Let me show you how it's done.

I wonder what the neighbors are saying. Where do the closest teenage boys live? The Lincoln High astronomy club may see a surge in membership. They'll all want telescopes.

And how will the rest of Portland react? We do have all those strip clubs and sex workers, who get more respect here than they do in some other places. On the other hand, pornography is seen by many as exploitation, or worse.

One thing's for sure: It's going to make for a full-blown sociology dissertation before it's over. Pass the popcorn, literally.